It is a fact of life: Mean people exist, just as surely as you breathe, or wake up, or surf the Internet. You will encounter them.
And, yes, they do suck. They complicate, denigrate, sour, and irritate us nice people. And they appear to enjoy their antics. I can only imagine that they must get some sustenance from it. I have never experienced a mean person changing for the better; they just move on to other prey. Judging from the quick research I did (you all know how I love my Google and my Bing) before writing this, it is a topic with multiple perspectives and it seems to occupy the thoughts of many writers and bloggers, from me to guests of the Oprah show (specifically, Martha Beck).
Bing returned 626 million hits. I had to page through 20 pages of that search before the topic started diverging from my intended inquiry. Google returned 2.5 billion hits. However, by page 10 the topic started changing.
The topics spanned the 5 Ws – who, what, when, where, why. There were even a few ‘hows’. A few sites discussed how mean people make more money in their jobs. WTH!
The most interesting to me were the sites that discussed the why and how to handle mean people. The analysis of why mean people are mean did not surprise me. I have a psychology degree and I am pretty good at figuring out whys, eventually. The reasons made sense to me:
· They have been hurt.
· They are afraid.
· They are envious.
· They are sadistic.
· They are frustrated.
· They learned it from their parents…
The list goes on. Most of us have experienced at least a few of these emotions, these situations, and are able to avoid being mean to others. And, if we were mean for some reason, we might be the ones who realize our fault and how we potentially hurt the other person. We would apologize and vow to do it better next time.
Mean people don’t choose that route. Maybe because they don't realize or even think they are being mean. Maybe because their meanness is an integral part of who they are. CAN they change? Maybe. I am a huge believer in the idea that anyone can change anything about who he is; the only missing element is the desire to change.
…which led me to wonder how to handle mean people. The sites I visited had some great advice, both real and anecdotal.
The anecdotes made me laugh out loud. But, I get so flustered around mean people that I would forget these funnies unless they were tattooed into my palm. Some of them are listed here. You can check out the others at http://www.tigersoft.com/TigerSoft-Practical-Psychology/T01.htm.
· “As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?”
· “Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?”
· “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.” {Love this one the best! I will have to try to remember it.}
Then there were the sites offering real advice. Suggestions like:
· Try to understand them.
· Try to diffuse them.
· Stay calm.
· Laugh at them.
· Laugh with them.
· Argue with them.
· Bully them right back.
· Ignore them.
In the end, every tidbit of advice that I found meant only one thing to me: treat them with the respect that you would want for yourself, even if the “inner you” screams that they don’t deserve it.
Consider that how you treat them will impact them. It just may not impact them the way you hope and not take effect immediately. In fact, you may never know what impact, if any (good or bad), you had on them.
But, most importantly, how you treat them will impact you the most, particularly if you are one of the nice people. One of the ones who thinks about how you act and how you are perceived. One of the ones who acts on principles and has a strong value system.
After all, you have to protect yourself from the negative effects of their choices; but, you also are the only one who has to live with you and the consequences of the choices you make.
You can check out Martha Beck's article on Oprah.com: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean
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