The Bar Scene

After last night, I am wondering if maybe I do still have it. I am also wondering whether I really want it.

My daughter started her new job last night as a server at a local bar and grill. It is not what I would want for her, but it is a choice she has made for herself. Therefore, I feel the need to support her. More than that, I feel the need to check up on her.

So, I decided to crash opening night last night. She knew exactly what I wanted to do, and why. That's just how we roll. I don't pull punches with my kids. They know where I stand; I know where they stand. A beautiful, symbiotic relationship.

Well, at least it works for us.

I showed up at about 8p to a packed house ~ 80% male. Standing room only. I made my way to the end of the bar, exactly what I told her I would do.

I had no expectations and, honestly, in that atmosphere I imagined I would be simply a shadow. And, I was OK with that. I do not consider myself very social, particularly with people I don't know. Most often, I just like to watch people...and that is what I was prepared to do.

No seats at the bar, unfortunately, so to order my beer I had to wedge myself in between 2 guys. A smile and some conversation achieved that just fine. Within 5 minutes of talking with the guys to my right, one of them was offering me his seat.

Hhmmmmm.....he was just being chivalrous. Probably already under the influence. Shortly after that, within about 5 more minutes, the 3 of us had exchanged names and were discussing...well, the topic didn't really matter.

Within 5 more minutes, I knew where they are from, what they do for a living, where they live. Only a baby step from that to discussing travel, excercise, football, the death of Willie Nelson and its impact on the economy of Texas....

....stuff like that. Then, one of the guys left, my daughter came by and said 'Hi', the other guy went to the bathroom.

What did I do? I turned to the 2 guys on the left with whom I had briefly chatted up when I first sat down. This guy, seeing me order my Sam Adams, tried to convince me (while he was drinking his free Miller Lite...eeewwwww) that the Sam Adams Summer Ale is the best. OK? I proceeded to go through 20 questions to figure out how he could be drinking Miller Lite and be a beer connisseur. It just did not make sense to me.

Of course, his "friend" piped in and before I knew it the 3 of us were bantering away about new babies, teenage kids, and the fact that they had been drinking the free Miller Lite and were on about 7, no 8....

We spent an inordinate amount time trying to guess each other's ages. They were way off on guessing mine, fortunately in the right direction, until they asked my daughter. My daughter is proud of the fact that I look so young but I hate that she gave it away. I would much prefer they continue in the dark with that one.

You get the picture. More guys joined them. The guys at one of my daughter's tables bought me a Sex on the Beach shot and queried me about advice on girls and growing up. They wanted a quick, short, all-encompassing quote from me.

I disappointed them when I said such an animal does not exist....believe me. Moreover, nothing I say or write is ever "quick" and "short".

The landscape changed when my friend showed up. The Miller Lite guy wanted to know almost immediately whether or not he was my husband, boyfriend. WTH? He had a hard time believing me when we both chimed in NO, just friends. And it is his business how?

I guess the answer to whether I still have it, whatever it is, is yes. I can still play the social butterfly in those circumstances. I can still be marginally attractive to the opposite sex. I can still be the recipient of free drinks. I can still have fun.

But, I couldn't help thinking of myself as a stale piece of candy amid a swarm of bugs. I was nothing special in that environment. There were so many of them, and so few sweet things to land on. It was simply a lack of viable options.

Add the alcohol to the mix. Add the question of why are those guys at that bar, how often do they do this, etc. Probably not the type of attention I want.

This will not stop me from checking up on my daughter. In the process, I will end up honing my skills; skills which might get me somewhere, at some point, with a man who will be worth my effort and view me as his choice instead of a result of lack of options or, worse yet, just a plaything.

A Question of Faith

Events of the past few weeks have led me to question myself.

Question my understanding of who I am, of how I view things. I dare say, as well, of how I am perceived by others. But, if you know me, you know most times I take the last element with a grain of salt. As long as I am following a principle or a base tenet, I could really care less what others think. What they think or how they judge me is their problem. (unless, of course, "the other(s)" is a friend...that changes the backdrop drastically)

The types of questions of which I speak are good because they are part of growth and maturity. In that light, I welcome them, even as I struggle with them and how to apply the ultimate answer, the resolution, to me and my approach to my life.

However, today's questions came streaming in as a result of an ongoing incident with people who are not friends, piggybacking on a previous incident with people who were friends.

So, the scene is set.

How do I maintain integrity and values in my approach to problem resolution, especially in the face of judgement by others? How do I remain firm without appearing obstinate? Is that possible?

I didn't exactly find a definitive answer to this. What I did find are ways to think about those who might judge me; conversely, to think about how my actions might be viewed by others. Maybe I am judging others, or at least coming across that way.

These ideas helped me to put both sides, theirs and mine, into perspective. What I learned is that I am powerless to affect the views of others if they are unwilling to listen; and, in that situation, and only that situation, is where I must maintain my position. If I constantly look outward for clues that I have not previously considered, clues that could prove effective in seeing things in a light I might not have considered beforehand, then I can stay secure in my position. Bottom line, I am to look for correction.

• "A fool shows his annoyance at once; but a prudent man overlooks an insult." ~ Proverbs 12:16
• "If you want to avoid judgement, stop passing judgement." ~ Matthew 7:1
• "He who ignores discipline despises himself; but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." ~ Proverbs 15:32

I think the lesson for me is not the act of seeking correction, but the knowledge that others are not like me. They do not seek correction, and instead proceed in a certain arrogance and pride.

How do I maintain an assertive nature without being viewed as aggressive?

The answer and approach to this came not only from the Bible, but also from an essay about Polemic Theology written by Dr. R. Nicole. And, in it I learned that, again, I cannot control how others view me. I can only control myself and my beliefs. If my beliefs are based in Christ, in my understanding of Christ's mission for me, I am only to continue steadfast.

Dr. Nicole started from the basics of what we owe others in our lives, especially in instances where we disagree. He refers to the Epistle of Jude, in which is stated these verses that are poignant to all:

• "Perservere in God's love, and welcome the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ which leads to life eternal."
• "Correct those who are confused; the others you must rescue, snatching them from the fire."
• "Even with those you pity, be on your guard; abhor so much as their flesh-stained clothing."

I read that as a call to stand up for what you truly believe in. If what you believe in is coming from good and truth, in the pursuit of good and truth, how can it be wrong? Of course, then comes the question of those who are confused about what "good" and "truth" denote...but that is the topic for another post.

Dr. Nicole suggested that we endeavor to learn from those who differ, that we guide ourselves based on the facts, and that we analyze the dangers and ambiguities of the situation at hand.

"When we give due attention to what we owe those who differ and what we can learn from them, we may be less inclined to proceed in a hostile manner. Our hand will not so readily contract into a boxing fist, but will be extended as an instrument of friendship and help; our feet will not be used to bludgeon another, but will bring us closer to those who stand afar; our tongue will not lash out in bitterness and sarcasm, but will speak words of wisdom, grace and healing." ~ Dr. R. Nicole.

And, the crowning question...how do I do I maintain a sense of humility through all of this? How do I overcome my fear of my own God-given strength?

Humility is the cruxt of all of this. It is difficult to humble yourself to emotional and psychological attacks by others. I found a great website that details four simple steps that make alot of sense.

1. Recognize the emotions
2. Recognize the psychological defenses
3. Learn how the past manifests in the present
4. Learn new behaviors

I am not sure this post answers any questions. I really don't think there are any true answers, only an avenue to a change in my approach. What it has helped me to do is to process through the multitude of emotions I have to sift through; led me in different ways to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Once I get that chaff out, I can let it (and them) all blow in the wind.

How Would Wilson Feel

You know, I haven't been able to shake the idea of Wilson and Chuck. Or, more specifically, what did Wilson feel when Chuck said goodbye. What are some of the emotions, if Wilson were a person and not an aged volleyball, Wilson would have experienced when Chuck chose to continue without him?

I have been "wilsoned" before; I have been close to people who have been "wilsoned". When the act is done within the confines of a caring relationship, being "wilsoned" is easier to stomach. At least, when there exists a healthy element of maturity on both the parts of "Chuck" and "Wilson". The emotions are no less real, though, and still need to be reconciled. Some of the typical emotions resulting from being "wilsoned" are:

• rejection
• inferiority
• insignificance
• insecurity with self
• self-doubt
• distrust
• instability
• emptiness
• guilt

If these are the emotions that being "wilsoned" evokes, how could being "wilsoned" ever occur within the confines of a caring relationship? How could someone who cares for another person so deeply do something so "hurtful"?

It is easy to understand how mean people can "wilson" someone. They either don't care or they get a thrill from being in control or from hurting another person.

But, there are times in any relationship, either with another person or with a thing, where the relationship becomes overwhelming or where the expectations of one are out of whack with those of the other. Keeping that relationship going becomes more of a burden than a thrill. A "have to" instead of a "want to". An obligation, of sorts.

Obligations are a fact of life, but when the obligation is more like a ball and chain, a dread in the pit of the stomach at the thought of it, it is time to "wilson" it, regardless of the negative emotions this action might cause.

In this sense, the benefits outway the action. But, don't think the action comes without payment.

In order to discard Wilson, Chuck had to deal with some emotions of his own. 

The action Chuck chose took courage. But, he paid the price in emotions similar to what Wilson probably felt...only from a different perspective.

The only difference? Chuck had to take the first step. Chuck took the risk. He took the risk from a position of love and appreciation, not of malice or malcontent.

Whether doing or receiving a "wilson", the event is no less painful for either side. If done out of love, maturity, and mutual respect, it can be the best thing that ever happened to either participant.

The Ways of Wilson

{I must give credit where credit is due. This topic is not an original creation. The idea of "Wilson", the volleyball character from the movie Castaway, as a metaphor for life came from a Facebook post I saw on my wall that came from a friend of a friend. The "friend of a friend" is named Jamar Monroe.

Before I even begin, Jamar, you don't know me, but thank you for the inspiration. }

Did you see the movie "Castaway"? Remember the Wilson character...the volleyball that became Chuck Noland's confidante, his lifeline to reality and sanity. In the end, Wilson became more like a crutch, a necessary addiction to get Chuck through his trials as a castaway. Eventually, as Chuck left his island prison, he had to say goodbye to Wilson.

Wilson had served his purpose in Chuck's life. To continue to keep Wilson in his life, Chuck would not be able to transition to the next phase of his life. Wilson would only hold him down.

We all have a "wilson" in our lives. Some of us have a few. The symptoms of having a "wilson":

• an overwhelming security when "wilson" is around
• an overwhelming insecurity when "wilson" is not around
• an overwhelming euphoria at the thought of "wilson"
• thinking about "wilson" constantly
• including "wilson" in everything, actions and thoughts

Sounds kind of like an addiction, doesn't it? I'm surprised AA didn't pick up on this earlier and run with it. Maybe they did but I just wasn't paying attention back then; or maybe the franchising fees were just too outrageous.

We are all a "wilson" to someone else in our lives. Sometimes we don't even know it. The symptoms of being a "wilson" are quite similar to those of having a "wilson":

• an overwhelming need by "Chuck" to always have you around
• an overwhelming need by "Chuck" to include you in everything
• an obvious euphoria by "Chuck" when he is in your presence
• your feeling, as "wilson", that "Chuck" is overdoing it and needs you too much
• your desire, as "wilson", not to hurt "Chuck's" feelings because you know he is in a tough spot right now
• your assertion, as "wilson", to yourself that you don't need "Chuck" as much as he needs you

In the end, "Chuck" said farewell to "wilson". He had to in order to move on. "Wilson" would only hold him back, restrain him from moving to the next phase of his life.

If you have never been "wilsoned", know that you will. If you have never "wilsoned" someone, know that you will do this too. And the reason is because the euphoria and security that "wilson" provides are temporary and temporal. While he feels good and provides a necessary security, he can be just a stepping stone to something bigger and better.

So, are you "Chuck" now? Or are you "wilson"? Maybe you are both or maybe you need to examine more closely your "wilsons".

Is it time to move on?

Rules vs. Commandments

Rules, rules...everywhere. For everything.

Rules for driving.
Rules for drinking.
Rules for driving and drinking.
Rules for working.
Rules for banking.
Rules for school.
Rules for raising children.

Rules limit and guide behavior and are in place to avoid chaos. Because if everyone acts on his or her own thoughts and feelings, in the abscence of common sense and compassion for others, chaos breaks loose. People get hurt, in more ways than one.

The sound of the word "rule" is harsh, constricting, limiting. There is little grey area with a rule. It is like a gate, or a fence. There are always consequences to breaking a rule, usually meted out by the person or authority who established the rule in the first place.


When I was raising my children, rules were critical. Rules provided their structure. Even when they were pushing against the rules as they turned into teenagers, they still needed them. They didn't like them; they complained about them. Worse yet, they broke them. Over and over again. Maybe they were hoping for different consequences. They were most times disappointed. And, to this day, they are, for the most part, respectful of rules. But, they still engage their free will, despite the rules.

One of God's most precious gifts to mankind - free will. Free will was tested in the Garden of Eden. Sure, the rules existed. God had set them down Himself. And, luckily for Adam and Eve, there was only one rule.

Don't eat the fruit of that tree.

But God knew what Eve would do before she herself even knew.

And, the maker meted out the consequences. Sometime after that, He followed up with the 10 Commandments.

Now, if you think "rule" sounds harsh, try letting "commandments" roll off your tongue, out loud, a few times. If "rule" sounds like a gate or fence, "commandment" sounds like a huge concrete wall. What comes to my mind is the Great Wall of China. Yah, that sounds about right. Much taller, much thicker. All encompassing, impenetrable, colossal.

We still had free will. But God had raised the stakes and imposed more consequences.

Rules are things of man. Commandments are made by God.

Why do we have rules? It is my belief that rules are man's attempt:

• to impose upon man a way to mediate the chaos of a society in which man does not operate by principles, morals, "doing the right thing". {A society from which God is being pushed.}

• to aggrandize man with money and power. {Think about all the government rules that are imposed, and carry a fine if they are not followed. Think about the power those government officials feel over the "little guy".}

• to keep man "in line", particularly when one man's ideas cross or contradict those of another man. {Remember all the differences and debates on health care, abortion, taxes, not to mention a host of other fun topics. Need I say more...}

Man's rules circumvent God.

And what other "rules" do we need? The Ten Commandments are perfect, by design.

If every man lived by these simple commands, there would be peace, humility, respect, understanding. Many of the ills of society that drag man down, that require rules to keep under control, would be mitigated.

What is left over, God will deal with.

Just in case you are reading this and have never seen The Ten Commandments, or have forgotten them, here they are:

Mean People Suck

It is a fact of life: Mean people exist, just as surely as you breathe, or wake up, or surf the Internet. You will encounter them.

And, yes, they do suck. They complicate, denigrate, sour, and irritate us nice people. And they appear to enjoy their antics. I can only imagine that they must get some sustenance from it. I have never experienced a mean person changing for the better; they just move on to other prey.

Judging from the quick research I did (you all know how I love my Google and my Bing) before writing this, it is a topic with multiple perspectives and it seems to occupy the thoughts of many writers and bloggers, from me to guests of the Oprah show (specifically, Martha Beck).

Bing returned 626 million hits. I had to page through 20 pages of that search before the topic started diverging from my intended inquiry.

Google returned 2.5 billion hits. However, by page 10 the topic started changing.

The  topics spanned the 5 Ws – who, what, when, where, why. There were even a few ‘hows’. A few sites discussed how mean people make more money in their jobs. WTH!

The most interesting to me were the sites that discussed the why and how to handle mean people.

The analysis of why mean people are mean did not surprise me. I have a psychology degree and I am pretty good at figuring out whys, eventually. The reasons made sense to me:

·         They have been hurt.

·         They are afraid.

·         They are envious.

·         They are sadistic.

·         They are frustrated.

·         They learned it from their parents…

The list goes on. Most of us have experienced at least a few of these emotions, these situations, and are able to avoid being mean to others. And, if we were mean for some reason, we might be the ones who realize our fault and how we potentially hurt the other person. We would apologize and vow to do it better next time.

Mean people don’t choose that route. Maybe because they don't realize or even think they are being mean. Maybe because their meanness is an integral part of who they are.

CAN they change? Maybe. I am a huge believer in the idea that anyone can change anything about who he is; the only missing element is the desire to change.

…which led me to wonder how to handle mean people. The sites I visited had some great advice, both real and anecdotal.

The anecdotes made me laugh out loud. But, I get so flustered around mean people that I would forget these funnies unless they were tattooed into my palm. Some of them are listed here. You can check out the others at http://www.tigersoft.com/TigerSoft-Practical-Psychology/T01.htm.

·         “As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?”

·         “Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?”

·         “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.” {Love this one the best! I will have to try to remember it.}

Then there were the sites offering real advice. Suggestions like:

·         Try to understand them.

·         Try to diffuse them.

·         Stay calm.

·         Laugh at them.

·         Laugh with them.

·         Argue with them.

·         Bully them right back.

·         Ignore them.

In the end, every tidbit of advice that I found meant only one thing to me: treat them with the respect that you would want for yourself, even if the “inner you” screams that they don’t deserve it.

Consider that how you treat them will impact them. It just may not impact them the way you hope and not take effect immediately. In fact, you may never know what impact, if any (good or bad), you had on them.

But, most importantly, how you treat them will impact you the most, particularly if you are one of the nice people. One of the ones who thinks about how you act and how you are perceived. One of the ones who acts on principles and has a strong value system.

After all, you have to protect yourself from the negative effects of their choices; but, you also are the only one who has to live with you and the consequences of the choices you make.

You can check out Martha Beck's article on Oprah.com: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Why-People-Are-Mean

Prayer Overhaul

How many years have you been praying?

I mean, consciously and confidently praying in the manner that was taught to you. It probably depends on how you learned and who you learned it from.

I first remember praying when I was about 6 or 7. Kneeling by my bedside, repeating the Lord's Prayer, I probably made up words that I did not actually remember or understand. And, I may have learned part of how to do it from TV shows. It was, and still is, comforting to see scenes of mom and dad kneeling with their children by the bed and talking to God. Like those children, I most likely asked for toys, like the newest Barbie, or, later on, clothes, a boyfriend, or that my dad would not find out about what I did last Saturday night.

The bottom line here is that the nature of the praying started with what I was taught or otherwise internalized. And it grew with me.

Prayer has now morphed into something that you can search on the Web, like everything else. There is even a wikiHow for "How to Pray". It defines prayer based on the definition fron Merriam-Webster, and I quote, that says "To pray is to make a request in a humble manner." How and where did Merriam-Webster get that definition? Maybe the compilers were borne of the same background that I was.

At least the wikiHow author goes on to add other elements of what he thinks of as proper prayer: take the time, find a location, assume the position, prepare your prayer, begin the prayer...oops, then he says 'make the request'.

Why, I ask, does it always have to involve a request? Why can't we just commune and let God show us His way? After all, He is the one in control. Only He knows the Divine Plane. How presumptuous of us to think that we even know what to ask for.

Today, I sat in church for the first time in over a month. Too many issues and problems floating around in my consciousness, both mine and those of my friends and others, for me to even grasp and hang onto a prayer in the form of a request.

Thankkfully for me, I had arrived early. The church was practically empty and the music had not started yet. Relevant calm pervailed.

I took out my rosary and kneeled. I crossed myself. I started reciting Hail Marys as I moved bead by bead. I always forget how 'exactly' to "pray the Rosary" and the only way I know how to do it the right way is to use a website (yep, sad but true!) to remind me of the proper steps and Mysteries. At home, or in the chapel, this might be acceptable. But, not in church. So I improvised. I don't really think God, or Mary, minds. As long as I am praying.

I fell into a meditative state after a few minutes and the "prayers" just started flowing. Interesting that they weren't requests, or questions. It was simply the images of those people in my life, the friends and family with whose issues I am most familiar and the friends with whom I had spoken the past few weeks. Attached with those images (attached is really not accurate, but it is the only word I can come up with right now), without any conscious thought on my part, was one issue related to that person. Some of those who floated by I know have more than one serious issue; but only one, I presume the most important issue and the one God wanted me to keep in mind, issue came to mind.

Miraculous! This went on for about 5 or 6 minutes.

And then it was over, leaving me with an inner sense of satisfaction, fulfillment. PEACE!

I have been to many Bible studies, and some prayer groups. Always these are focused around requests and questions. I am not insinuating that this approach is wrong. Who am I to say what is right and what is wrong for others?

I guess what I am presenting is another perspective. That perhaps in just sticking with the simple concept that originated with making the Lord the focus of our life, that the prayers that have survived centuries, the Lord's Prayer and the Hail Mary, might work in conjunction with that concept and allow us to commune and "pray" the way it was originally intended.

Funny thing, with everything that has bombarded me, and continues to bombard me even now, not one of those images included me. The only things I take from that are that the Lord has me in the palm of His hand and, I hope, that my friends and family are praying for me. No need to pray for myself.