Until the disappearance, I thought it was only socks that vanished. I am always prepared for this because it has been so much a part of my existence, particularly since having kids. The smaller the sock, the quicker it disappears. It leaves behind it's orphan, which gets stuffed into a plastic bag that resides in my laundry room.
Not so for panties because they don't come in pairs, unless of course you think of them as pairing up with matching bras, which is where I am at. I love Victoria's Secret and look forward to the catalog every month to see which matching sets I can acquire next. I am not one of those women who has scads of bras and matching panties, but I do my share of supporting Victoria's bottom line and have become quite fond, and dependent on, wearing matching underwear.
This is where this story begins...with four lace panties, newly acquired I might add, that were shockingly absent from their drawer on a night that I needed them most. I had a date to go out with a friend and, as my aforementioned habit dictates, I wanted to wear my purple bra with matching purple lace panties. Bras are in one drawer, and there was the bra I sought. On to the panty drawer. Searching, searching. No purple panties.
But, I had just done laundry. I checked again, and then moved to the dirty clothes basket, rifling through dirty clothes only to turn up empty handed. Back to the panty drawer, getting a little more agitated, especially when I now realize that not only are the purple ones gone, but the chartreuse, the black, and the zebra print (no matching bra for that one, but looks great with any color!)
I have a decision to make at this point: choose a completely non-matching panty, or choose a cotton panty that I really only wear during "that time of the month". What to do, what to do. It doesn't take me long to go with the matching cotton because, as I take a closer look, it is not too stained. OK, short term aspect of the problem is solved.
But, that still leaves open the question of where are the missing panties? Who took them? And for what reason?
My overtly cynical mind goes immediately to my teenage daughter. Now, we are not really the same size in panties, but instances have cropped up in the past where panties have gone missing, later to be found either on her body or in her room. Not many incidents, but enough to put a sliver of doubt in my mind.
So, I ask her point blank: "Did you see (or take, under my breath) my new lace panties? Maybe one of your larger friends needed an extra pair and you thought it OK to pilfer in my panty drawer?"
"NO, that's gross, Mom," she replies with a scowl, obviously forgetting past occurrences.
I give her the benefit of the doubt. Next culprit?
My maid, Lucy. I have employed Lucy for almost 2 years now and not once have I ever suspected her of any of this sort of behavior. But, I am so incensed that I am willing to jump to conclusions. I try to picture Lucy, while I am not at home (which I do quite often) opening my panty drawer, quickly looking over her shoulder and cocking her head to listen for my truck pull up in the driveway, and then quickly snatching the brightest colored panties she can find from my drawer. Then, I think, yes, they all would have been in the front of the drawer, easy prey.
What about motives? And, furthermore, possibilities? Why would she do this? I can understand my daughter's possible motives, and the possibility of her fitting into my panties is not so far out. We are kind of the same size, in a pinch. But Lucy is definitely not. She just had a baby and is probably still wearing granny panties. Sorry, Lucy! That's what I was wearing all during my childbearing years.
Finally, out of sheer mental exhaustion, I let the thought go and resign myself to making an impromptu visit to Victoria's Secret to re-supplant my supply. After all, the girls at Victoria's Secret haven't seen me in, what, a week? They need their lunch money.
A few days, later, I am doing laundry....again. Twice a week, whether I like it or not. Much to my chagrin, there is a full basket of clean clothes from last laundry day sitting up in my son's bedroom. Great, he never emptied it.
Shirts in the shirt drawer, pant and shorts in the pant and shorts drawer, sweatshirts in the.....OMG! There they are....the prodigal panties. All folded and stacked at the bottom of my son's clean clothes basket.
They are now neatly ensconced back in my panty drawer. My son never knew exactly where I found them, only that they were discovered in "a full laundry basket".
So, you see, the case of the prodigal panties is solved. But, where does that leave the orphan socks?
Stay tuned.....
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