It struck me today that, for the most part, I am almost single again. I haven't been single in well over 25 years. I thought for the longest time that I would never be and was more than willing to accept that with all it brought on.
Life has a funny way of turning things around.
Everyone who knows me knows that I have absolutely no intention of ever marrying again. It's not the commitment that I can't tolerate. Instead, I find I can't trust them anymore. Men, that is. Too many years spent guessing and wondering. Too many years quietly watching actions constantly contradict words, professions, obligations, unspoken hopes and dreams. Not just mine; the children. The family.
I sort of feel sorry for any man who comes into my life after this point. I am not the same woman I used to be. No longer the trusting soul, willing to accept unquestioningly. My mind churns in the background no matter what I tell it, how I try to persuade it to calm down. Part of me wants to go back to the time when I was so blindly in love with my husband. But the other part of me heckles me..."foolish girl!" How could I be so naive to believe in that fairy tale. I try not to lump all men into that category but I can't help it.
Bottom line: I really don't want to hurt anymore. But, at the same time, I don't want to seclude myself from the possibility either. I cling hopeful that maybe the Lord, in his mercy, has someone else out there for me. But, would that really be mercy?
But, I see as I go through this journey that the show will go on. It must. After all, I need that connection, that touch, that stability. While I love thinking of myself as a rock unto myself, I know that I am not. Sure, I have many VERY GOOD friends. God has been gracious in that respect.
OK, so I start dating at some point. The last time I dated was in college. Late 80s. Things were quite different then. Not only in terms of age, but of culture. You knew you had a boyfriend because he asked you to "go steady" with him. Maybe you wore his ring, or his jacket. He met you after class and carried your books or walked you to your car.
That was then. This is now. How is it done now? Not only that, but how do adults do that? How does that type of relationship even get established?
I asked my daughter. She gave a range of responses. She said sometimes the guy will ask the girl to "go out with him." Other times, it just becomes something that is assumed after a guy and a girl talk alot and become close friends. Taking it to that next level just comes naturally.
So much ambiguity. So much grey. Leaving too much room for manipulation, deceipt. And, before you know it, there I will be back in that same boat I just spent so long trying to get out of.
Is it all worth it? I am not sure I have the stamina for it. I am not sure I have the tolerance for it. I am not so sure I want it. On the flipside, I want it so badly.
Monday, September 26
Wednesday, September 14
Driven to Distraction
No, believe it or not, I am not in my car. Surprise. So, now you know that this post has nothing to with driving a vehicle, this time.
But, I am distracted. Extremely so today. And I am trying to manage this distraction, whose root is in confusion, while trying to drive my day in a productive fashion.
So far, I have not been successful. I won't be posting any revenue today, that is for sure.
My confusion is confusing. So many sources, like a multi-thread braid or woven cloth. The exception is that this braid, this weave, has no discernible pattern. It is chaotic. Yes, I know chaos has its own pattern if studied closely and for a long period of time. Unfortunately, I can't see the pattern in my chaos yet.
Threads like work, home, finances, personal life, people, kids. And then the less tangible elements like emotions, insecurities, uncertainty...all of which I try my best to control or push away. It is the less tangible elements that cause the most chaos and are the most unpredictable, no matter how much I say I have control.
And then I realize that I am not in control. And that is when the panic starts to subside. Even as I type this, I can feel it lifting. I am not in control; God is in control. He is the only one who can make sense for me from my chaos, who can show me order and pattern in my woven cloth. Maybe even show me a glimpse of the ultimate pattern.
Maybe not. But through it all, He will hold my hand. He is the only one to direct me.
I just have to remember to look for His hand in these times and trust in Him. That is my only true job.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." ~ Proverbs 3: 5-6
But, I am distracted. Extremely so today. And I am trying to manage this distraction, whose root is in confusion, while trying to drive my day in a productive fashion.
So far, I have not been successful. I won't be posting any revenue today, that is for sure.
My confusion is confusing. So many sources, like a multi-thread braid or woven cloth. The exception is that this braid, this weave, has no discernible pattern. It is chaotic. Yes, I know chaos has its own pattern if studied closely and for a long period of time. Unfortunately, I can't see the pattern in my chaos yet.
Threads like work, home, finances, personal life, people, kids. And then the less tangible elements like emotions, insecurities, uncertainty...all of which I try my best to control or push away. It is the less tangible elements that cause the most chaos and are the most unpredictable, no matter how much I say I have control.
And then I realize that I am not in control. And that is when the panic starts to subside. Even as I type this, I can feel it lifting. I am not in control; God is in control. He is the only one who can make sense for me from my chaos, who can show me order and pattern in my woven cloth. Maybe even show me a glimpse of the ultimate pattern.
Maybe not. But through it all, He will hold my hand. He is the only one to direct me.
I just have to remember to look for His hand in these times and trust in Him. That is my only true job.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." ~ Proverbs 3: 5-6
Thursday, September 1
Tug of War
God and the devil are in a tug of war. They are tugging over me, over you, over all of us. And the tension on that rope is getting tighter, more intense, impossible to overlook.
I believe in God. I believe God walks with us, guides us, laughs with us, and cries with us. I believe He directs us in His perfect ways, towards His perfect plan. I believe He orchestrates the people in our lives, when they enter and how long they stay, to play the chords that we need to learn. I believe, and believe in, His timing and intent, even when I don’t quite understand it all.
But, as a Christian, I also believe in the devil. I believe it is the antithesis of perfection; unless, of course, you believe in a perfect form of evil. I do. I believe it vies with God’s perfect plan for us by luring us into dark places with the promise of great things. I believe it darts into our lives, like an annoying fly at a perfect picnic with your family on a warm and sunny day. I believe its only intention is to feed off of us, to taste and take what it can get for its own pleasure, its own sustenance. I believe it masks itself. After all, it is the great deceiver.
I believe that sometimes, even though we are in the comfort of God’s grace and peace, trying to survive as we pitch and whorl through the stormy seas, trying to continue to feel the safety of God’s gaze and his grip, that the devil is ever present.
I know the devil picks on the weak, the discouraged, the downtrodden, the anguished. Like a wolf at the edge of the pack, it howls, hovers, plots, and hunts. I used to believe that it picked on only the weak.
But, the past year has taught me otherwise. The devil is conniving. It makes the strong shake and doubt themselves. The devil is a liar. It tells even the strong in spirit that they are not good enough and that God could never accept them with all their ill-begotten ways and nasty habits. The devil is a temptress. It convinces even the stalwart that a crutch can be a good thing; that a crutch can help them get through the pain and the panic. It insists that it feels good, so it must be right.
As it does all this with a smile, it practically hands us the bottle, the credit card, the cigarette, the man or woman we just met in line, the computer, the games we play, the random and unfocused thoughts, the boredom, the lethargy, the anger. All of these things are crucial toys in its bag of tricks.
Even the strong are tempted. They waver. They believe. They sample. They rationalize.
That is when they stray. Some stray far and wide; far away enough to lose sight of God’s path and not hear His voice. Some never return. That is when the devil smiles its biggest toothy grin and marks one off on its list.
Some wander off but go with a safety net; a safety net comprised of friends and family who believe in them, goals, aspirations, basic belief, knowledge, faith, and an eternal open heart. God’s perfection. He already knows and has already provided the support and method by which he can retrieve us.
I have felt the gaze and hot, sticky breath of the devil in my presence the past year more than I have ever felt it before. And, at the very same time, I have also drunk in, during the worst times of my turmoil, the grace of God. I have felt Him in ways I have never felt Him before. I know He has been holding my hand this whole way.
God and the devil are in a tug of war over me. As each day dawns, I pray for peace in that day. Instead, chaos reigns. In that chaos, and in my continued desire to keep on God’s path even if it kills me, I have learned to find peace in places and things where I never sought it before. In the indistinct things; in the things I would have overlooked this time last year.
Is that God’s plan? Is He forging me into something precious? Or is it the devil trying desperately to get its claws in…sunk in deep.
Both.
I don’t know God’s plan for me. All I know is whatever it is, it will be better than I can imagine.
As for the devil, I don’t know its plan either. But, I am here to let it know I refuse, on principle, to believe or follow it anywhere. It might think me weak but its seen nothing yet.
Here is my line in the sand and I will only break to one side.
I believe in God. I believe God walks with us, guides us, laughs with us, and cries with us. I believe He directs us in His perfect ways, towards His perfect plan. I believe He orchestrates the people in our lives, when they enter and how long they stay, to play the chords that we need to learn. I believe, and believe in, His timing and intent, even when I don’t quite understand it all.
But, as a Christian, I also believe in the devil. I believe it is the antithesis of perfection; unless, of course, you believe in a perfect form of evil. I do. I believe it vies with God’s perfect plan for us by luring us into dark places with the promise of great things. I believe it darts into our lives, like an annoying fly at a perfect picnic with your family on a warm and sunny day. I believe its only intention is to feed off of us, to taste and take what it can get for its own pleasure, its own sustenance. I believe it masks itself. After all, it is the great deceiver.
I believe that sometimes, even though we are in the comfort of God’s grace and peace, trying to survive as we pitch and whorl through the stormy seas, trying to continue to feel the safety of God’s gaze and his grip, that the devil is ever present.
I know the devil picks on the weak, the discouraged, the downtrodden, the anguished. Like a wolf at the edge of the pack, it howls, hovers, plots, and hunts. I used to believe that it picked on only the weak.
But, the past year has taught me otherwise. The devil is conniving. It makes the strong shake and doubt themselves. The devil is a liar. It tells even the strong in spirit that they are not good enough and that God could never accept them with all their ill-begotten ways and nasty habits. The devil is a temptress. It convinces even the stalwart that a crutch can be a good thing; that a crutch can help them get through the pain and the panic. It insists that it feels good, so it must be right.
As it does all this with a smile, it practically hands us the bottle, the credit card, the cigarette, the man or woman we just met in line, the computer, the games we play, the random and unfocused thoughts, the boredom, the lethargy, the anger. All of these things are crucial toys in its bag of tricks.
Even the strong are tempted. They waver. They believe. They sample. They rationalize.
That is when they stray. Some stray far and wide; far away enough to lose sight of God’s path and not hear His voice. Some never return. That is when the devil smiles its biggest toothy grin and marks one off on its list.
Some wander off but go with a safety net; a safety net comprised of friends and family who believe in them, goals, aspirations, basic belief, knowledge, faith, and an eternal open heart. God’s perfection. He already knows and has already provided the support and method by which he can retrieve us.
I have felt the gaze and hot, sticky breath of the devil in my presence the past year more than I have ever felt it before. And, at the very same time, I have also drunk in, during the worst times of my turmoil, the grace of God. I have felt Him in ways I have never felt Him before. I know He has been holding my hand this whole way.
God and the devil are in a tug of war over me. As each day dawns, I pray for peace in that day. Instead, chaos reigns. In that chaos, and in my continued desire to keep on God’s path even if it kills me, I have learned to find peace in places and things where I never sought it before. In the indistinct things; in the things I would have overlooked this time last year.
Is that God’s plan? Is He forging me into something precious? Or is it the devil trying desperately to get its claws in…sunk in deep.
Both.
I don’t know God’s plan for me. All I know is whatever it is, it will be better than I can imagine.
As for the devil, I don’t know its plan either. But, I am here to let it know I refuse, on principle, to believe or follow it anywhere. It might think me weak but its seen nothing yet.
Here is my line in the sand and I will only break to one side.
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