Dating in a New Age

It struck me today that, for the most part, I am almost single again. I haven't been single in well over 25 years. I thought for the longest time that I would never be and was more than willing to accept that with all it brought on.

Life has a funny way of turning things around.

Everyone who knows me knows that I have absolutely no intention of ever marrying again. It's not the commitment that I can't tolerate. Instead, I find I can't trust them anymore. Men, that is. Too many years spent guessing and wondering. Too many years quietly watching actions constantly contradict words, professions, obligations, unspoken hopes and dreams. Not just mine; the children. The family.

I sort of feel sorry for any man who comes into my life after this point. I am not the same woman I used to be. No longer the trusting soul, willing to accept unquestioningly. My mind churns in the background no matter what I tell it, how I try to persuade it to calm down. Part of me wants to go back to the time when I was so blindly in love with my husband. But the other part of me heckles me..."foolish girl!" How could I be so naive to believe in that fairy tale. I try not to lump all men into that category but I can't help it.

Bottom line: I really don't want to hurt anymore. But, at the same time, I don't want to seclude myself from the possibility either. I cling hopeful that maybe the Lord, in his mercy, has someone else out there for me. But, would that really be mercy?

But, I see as I go through this journey that the show will go on. It must. After all, I need that connection, that touch, that stability. While I love thinking of myself as a rock unto myself, I know that I am not. Sure, I have many VERY GOOD friends. God has been gracious in that respect.

OK, so I start dating at some point. The last time I dated was in college. Late 80s. Things were quite different then. Not only in terms of age, but of culture. You knew you had a boyfriend because he asked you to "go steady" with him. Maybe you wore his ring, or his jacket. He met you after class and carried your books or walked you to your car.

That was then. This is now. How is it done now? Not only that, but how do adults do that? How does that type of relationship even get established?

I asked my daughter. She gave a range of responses. She said sometimes the guy will ask the girl to "go out with him." Other times, it just becomes something that is assumed after a guy and a girl talk alot and become close friends. Taking it to that next level just comes naturally.

So much ambiguity. So much grey. Leaving too much room for manipulation, deceipt. And, before you know it, there I will be back in that same boat I just spent so long trying to get out of.

Is it all worth it? I am not sure I have the stamina for it. I am not sure I have the tolerance for it. I am not so sure I want it. On the flipside, I want it so badly.